My husband loves this recipe he created so we made a little cooking video of it.

so last thursday I forgot to take my meds before bed. I didn’t realize until most of the way through the day on Friday that I had forgotten my meds. I was feeling ill and ill at ease throughout the day on Friday. Saturday I was just sort of ill at ease as well. Sunday was serious anxiety. I went back to bed half way through the day on Sunday for a bit because I couldn’t stand how I was feeling. I went to work on Monday (Valentine’s Day) and throughout the day I had a few moments of panic attack symptoms. I went to the bathroom multiple times to just breath. Monday night I had severe anxiety. I had a stomach ache and some constipation. The pain in my stomach made me anxious that something serious was wrong with me. Like, it was awful. Just totally awful anxiety. I broke down crying in my husband’s lap as I tried to describe to him how I felt. Trying to explain that it wasn’t any physical pain that was making me cry, it was just how I felt internally, in my mind, I guess. I was really nauseous as well. Luckily I was able to sleep that night. Tuesday morning I called into work sick. I was afraid I might have a complete breakdown at work. I called my family doctor and left a voicemail. I called my psychologist and left a voicemail. I never did get a call back from the psychologist but my family doctor’s receptionist did call me back late in the day, after the doctor had left for the day. The receptionist confirmed that missing one dose can make me feel like I am back where I started and make me feel this awful even days later. I went back to work today and had a few moments feeling like I was having the start of a panic attack. I kept looking at the clock and telling myself “just 4 hours left” “just 3 hours left” and so on. I just thought I’d share how bad I’ve been feeling. I still have a stomach ache days later.

well… if you’ve followed this blog at all you’ll see that last September I started taking anti-anxiety meds. Last night somehow I forgot to take my dose. This morning at work I had a wicked headache that persisted for hours until I took an Excedrin from a coworker. I’ve never used Excedrin before and I do have a weak stomach when it comes to acetaminophen so I really should not have taken it. But that headache was so bad… I risked the Excedrin. And within 20 mins I wished I had just lived with the headache. I spent the rest of the day nauseous, clammy (hot, cold, sweaty, etc), and still had a headache (although it was a lot milder than it was before I took the Excedrin). I started feeling panic symptoms. I had some diarrhea. I had to do square breathing. I had trouble concentrating. I was talking way too much. I felt worse when I was just sitting still quietly. It wasn’t until early afternoon that I started to think that I had forgotten to take my antianxiety pill last night. When I got home from work, I checked and confirm that indeed I had forgotten to take my pill and my vitamins. I caught myself tonight just sitting staring into space for minutes at a time. So I think my illnesses today were because I missed my dose last night but I bet the Excedrin made it worse.
Now I’m afraid of what it is going to be like when I try to wean myself off the anti-anxiety meds. If missing one dose makes me feel that badly, I’m scared of going off them.

on a completely unrelated topic – I’ve had the WEIRDEST dreams lately. SOOOOO weird. very very very strange dreams.

I’m addicted to facebook. It’s true. I check it first thing every day when I come home from work. I check it probably 20 times throughout the evening if I’m home. I often check it first thing in the morning before work. Sometimes I check it from work during breaks. I post status updates semi-regularly. I post links to articles and videos all the time. I sometimes post pictures. I play games intermittently (I’m not addicted to the games). I snoop through people’s photos. I comment on people’s statuses. But lately, I’m feeling hurt by what I see on facebook. Namely, the pregnancy announcements. Two people on my facebook (whom I really do know in real life… or have known… but haven’t seen in awhile) have announced their SECOND pregnancies this week. It hurts. I’m thinking of stepping away from facebook. Do I have it in me to leave it? I really like interacting with a couple of the people on facebook and facebook is really the most convenient way to interact with them regularly. Maybe, and I just thought of this now, I could set up a new account just for interacting with those couple people? well that seems redundant… . So now… that’s not a good idea. LOL it is a little nuts to be considering this so hard! It’s nuts that I am so reliant on facebook! LOL maybe facebook should just have a filter. If I could filter out all statuses, links, and photos with the word “baby” and “pregnant”, perhaps that would solve all my issues. Of course, then I would still be ridiculously addicted to facebook.
I’m considering leaving facebook. For real.

It was hard to do but I declined two baby shower invitations this month. The reasons for declining are totally selfish. One of the showers is for an extended family member who is just 18 and living with her boyfriend, living off welfare, and accidentally found herself pregnant. I am bitter that she was able to get pregnant so easily and under such non-ideal circumstances. The other shower is for a friend who moved in with a guy after knowing him less than a month when she met him on an online dating site. She quickly realized that he was a chauvinist jerk but by then she was already accidentally pregnant (because he refused to wear condoms but wanted sex every single day and she hadn’t been on birth control pills long enough for them to work properly). So I am also bitter that she was able to get pregnant so easily under such stupid circumstances. Both girls are great girls who I am sure will make wonderful mothers despite their less than ideal situations. They both have enough family around to love and support their little precious babies. I’m just bitter and feeling sorry for myself. Can I just “suck it up” and attend the parties? Probably. And everything might possibly go really well at the parties. But… they could also go very bad for me. I could get asked a million times to explain why I don’t have any children yet after 8 years of marriage, I could get loads of BS tips on how to get pregnant and how I should “just relax”, and how it must be so much fun “trying”. Then I may go home and cry over all of the pregnancy and baby stories I will have heard that day. Sure I should just suck it up…. been TTC for 3 years now… it should take this long.
The other day I learned that a friend of mine who just got married this past fall is pregnant… totally accidentally. She was using the natural family planning method of birth control, I guess it didn’t work. She is a wonderful girl. She is high up on my list of favourite people in this world. But I couldn’t even fake a smile when I heard she was pregnant. It was told to me but mutual friends. I think my face said it all… And that evening I went home and cried as I laid there trying to fall asleep. She really is a wonderful person and I want great things for her, I certainly wouldn’t wish fertility troubles on her but… I still feel sad for myself.
Lately my husband has been saying that he would be fine with not having kids. I’m not sure how I feel about that. In 10 years time, will I wish I had done everything possible at this time to have a baby?

I am terrible at creating new habits, which you may have guessed.
Numerous times in my life I have started a diary or journal and just didn’t write for more than two or three days. I am obviously having that trouble with this blog – being inconsistent. I didn’t stick well to the flylady housecleaning program at all. I tried doing a 30 days of you photo thing on facebook and only got about 5 or 6 photos into it before forgetting all about it. It’s a wonder that I was ever able to take birth control pills regularly! but I did for like 5 years. Speaking of birth control pills, do you think it was a waste to take them when now I have so much trouble getting pregnant anyway? maybe I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant if I hadn’t been on the pills… or, as many of us fear, maybe if I hadn’t been on birth control pills for so long maybe I wouldn’t have these unexplained infertility issues now… . One has to wonder.
So what is new with me? not much. I’m still not TTCing because I’m still on the anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds. The psychologist seems to think I’m dealing with anxieties in a more appropriate manner now. She says that I have anxiety when I should have anxiety and not when I shouldn’t. She may be right but I don’t know. I feel like I get more anxious than I should about things. Like when I hear a piece of stressful news, I get the shakes, I can’t concentrate, I overthink it, I think the worst, I feel choking… it isn’t completely debilitating but I still feel sort of on the verge of that.
I still long to have a baby of my own. My best friend has a baby that I adore so much. My cousin just had a baby earlier this month. I feel happy for her. A few other people in my life are pregnant and I’m having trouble dealing with their pregnancies. I feel bitterness and jealousy towards them. I might go into that further on another day to explain that more.
Hmmmm life has been stressful for the last 6 months. So stressful. It hasn’t really turned around completely yet. Some of the stressful from September when I pretty well had a breakdown are still there now. It’s rough.
Sorry I didn’t respond to people’s comments in a timely manner… I’m not sure why my blog didn’t email me the notifications to let me know there were comments to approve.

For some people Christmas is hard because they lost a loved one around that time, or it is the first holiday without a special lost loved one. For me this year it is hard because my miscarried baby should have been born this December. I am a huge Christmas person so the thought of having that special Christmas baby was a thrilling thing for me. What a wonderful Christmas gift! But alas, here I am getting ready for Christmas and there is no cooing baby in the 2nd bedroom, there is no “baby’s first” ornament on the tree, there are no baby socks wrapped up under the tree, no baby sitting on Santa’s knee photos. It’s another child-free Christmas. DH and I learned years ago that Christmas Day is pretty boring without any children around. Last Christmas morning we got up extra early and went to our friends’ house to watch their children open their Christmas gifts. That was much more exciting then Christmas morning at our house with just the two of us staring at facebook on our laptops. This year we will do the same thing, watch our friends’ children open their gifts. At the same time we will be cuddling their new little baby who was born in September. She is an absolute joy, we just love bonding with her. But she is a constant reminder of what we are missing in our own home. *sigh* so Christmas for me may take a sad note this year.

I’m having a harder time lately feeling happy about others’ pregnancies. Lately I am wanting a baby more and more. My closest friend had a baby in September and I have such a connection with her new daughter. I just adore her and she and I get along so well. I babysat her last weekend and we had a baby talk conversation for like an hour. I just love the little baby and it makes me want one to bring home. After my experiences with her, I feel more confident now that I will be a good mommy to an infant too.
It seems like there are so many people having babies around me. How many more years do I have of that fertile window where everyone around me is reproducing like rabbits? As much as I wish I weren’t drowning in pregnant bellies around me, it would be a sad day to find that all of my friends are done having babies and I still haven’t had any. I’m having a hard time with a couple people around me who are pregnant under less than ideal circumstances… one is pregnant at 18 yrs old and the other is pregnant with a man she barely knew when she conceived and the guy has turned out to be a jerk. I know these girls are now going to face huge challenges that I wouldn’t want to have to face myself but I feel so bitter when I look at their pregnancies.

I can’t believe how “PMSy” I am lately! I am just so moody. I think it has been 4 days of it so far. I have a short fuse and everything irritates me lately. I keep looking at my fertility friend chart to try to figure out what hormonal event could be causing this but it just isn’t making any sense. I’m trying not to get pregnant at the moment but I didn’t actually ovulate at the same time this month as usual and I’m not sure if I timed BDing properly to avoid pregnancy.

Yesterday we went to Starbucks. We almost never go to Starbucks… just not our thing. We are Canadian so Tim Hortons is our coffee shop of choice, but Starbucks becomes our special treat sometimes. This weekend there was a deal at Starbucks, 2 for the price of 1 holiday lattes. So DH and I got lattes. I picked out the gingerbread latte and it was so great! It left me craving more. I’ve wanted another one ever since… and I’ve wanted molasses cookies ever since as well! LOL So I went out today and bought molasses then made gingersnap cookies for the first time ever. I have never cooked with molasses before. The raw cookie dough tasted so delicious I wasn’t sure if any of the dough would actually make it to the oven, but luckily some of it did. And now I have 2 dozen ginger snap cookies. They are still hot so I’m not sure if they are going to actually be snaps (hard and crunchy) or soft. We shall see. mmmmmm if any of them last long enough to cool off….